This has been my life in the past three weeks. Honestly, the last 32 years, but it seems a lot more humiliating and disheartening within the last month.
I seem to be incapable of making wise decisions, from the smallest on up. If I can mess up a decision and choose the worst course of action, I do. The only thing I feel capable of doing this month is screwing up.
It’s been an interesting and uncomfortable journey as God reveals to me, in a torrent similar to being drowned in a waterfall, where I need to improve.
Dear friends, let me tell you, it’s ugly. My confidence, which was probably not right in itself, is low. I worry for each decision I make because failing seems to be inevitable.
Selfishness, irresponsibility, impatience… did I mention selfishness?
One of the biggest reminders this last week was that anything or anyone can become an idol. Yep, I knew this. I know this, yet it seems to easy for me to give credit to something or someone who is wholly undeserving of my thoughts, compared to the Father. Yikes! What is wrong with me? I’ve seen the power, might, compassion, care, faithfulness, forgiveness and never-ending love of God. He is wholly deserving of thought, praise and focus. Yet I drag myself to worship at the feet of an idol. An idol who has done nothing for me besides fail me. It’s not the idols fault. When compared to the Father, we all fail and that idol didn’t stand a chance. It should never have been my focus in the first place. My eyes should be fixed on the only One who never fails.
I grow accustomed to the world. Complacent in my thoughts and actions and I end up failing. How can I not? I’m not focused on the One who is the reason for every success, every good decision and ‘every good and perfect gift’. I get arrogant in how well I am doing. The people I know. The things I have. Everything that means nothing. Then, when God opens my eyes to the fruitlessness of worshiping the world, I crumble.
My struggle now is… where do I go from here? I’ve hit a place where I feel so completely and utterly incapable of any good. Any good, that is, besides God moving through me. All I can see is failure. God is good and can work through me, this I know. I just don’t see how. How does one take a pot that is so full of holes it no longer holds water and use it? I don’t even know how to allow God to begin to move. All I see is broken pieces. Pieces that, even if put back together, I will probably just shatter again in my stupidity.
I keep thanking God, even when all I see is that I am broken. For He is capable of so much good through me… if I can just get out of His way. There’s a strange comfort to knowing that I am nothing without the Lord.
I’m sure that when a pot is empty and broken, it can still be put to use somehow. I’m just waiting to see how He will choose to use me. Until then, I’ll rest in the knowledge that He is doing a good work in me. Even if it is painful. Pruning is painful. Hopefully something beautiful comes out of this. I’m trying to be patient in the waiting.
“Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends. That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.”