Tonight this post is raw.
My New Year will not be brought in with cheers and celebration, though I am grateful to see a new year come. (Part of me was hoping the Lord would return in 2013.)
Tonight I sit in a quiet home with puffy eyes, a sick child and a heaviness in my heart.
Not the greatest start to a new year.
It can only get better from here, right?
Tonight was a catastrophe and even that seems to be putting it mildly.
Tonight I had a realization, or rather it was thrust upon me. A burning, nagging, painful fact has sat (not quietly) in the back of my mind. Tonight it forced it’s way out of my carefully erected barriers and reared it’s ugly head.
I have a problem. Even writing it is enough to bring on the tears again. My problems name: Worry.
Tonight with a sick daughter and my husband all but forcing me to go out and enjoy myself, I managed to worry myself into such a state that I wrecked the whole night for my entire family.
I am so frustrated with myself. I am so frustrated that I keep having to see this side of me. I am so frustrated that this demon on my back has such a well worn seat. Why can’t I shake him off once and for all? Why can I say all the right words to friends who are struggling with worry and trust and yet I can’t seem to allow the words to penetrate my own brain? Why does worry have to be my constant bedfellow?
“A fork in the road moment”. My husbands definition of this evening. Two roads diverged in a wood… Yep. There they are. There’s the one that is so well worn it looks deceivingly like an old friend. Yet this old friend is constantly sapping my strength, energy, joy and life. “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy.” (John 10:10) This old friend is no friend at all. Over there, though, lies a path I have seldom stepped a foot onto. Honestly, I have no idea how to even get onto it but want to so desperately. Jesus walks with me on the old road and dries my tears and mends wounds, but He wants me to come walk with Him on the other road. He wants me to take His hand and walk the path He has created on the solid ground. Instead of forcing my way through the dense brush that I has been content to fumble through in my stubbornness.
I want to have the faith that allows Jesus to be the ruler, to be in charge, to be in control… and not feel that I have to try to take the reigns and make things the way I want them. I know that my way and what I want are not always best for me.
So, at 12:30 am on January 1st, 2014, my goal this year is to stop trying to convince myself that I can have control and just let Him have it. To try to only jump onto the path of concern and not let worry steal what God has for me. That is a tall order for 2014, but let’s see how much headway I can make into making the ride for the worry demon less comfortable… (or downright miserable).
Happy New Year, dear friends. Thank you for caring about what I have to say and for blessing me with all your comments and friendship. May 2014 be a blessed year for you and may we ALL remember that we don’t have to worry because God is always in control.